Love him, Miss him, Hate him

Well I guess I should start at the beginning. See the first guy I ever gave my heart to was Raziel. *sad smile* He got me out of the assassin business. Showed me life wasn't all about killing and making money. But this was before pentex ever got a hold of me. Back when I used to smile. Back when life was just as violent for me, but a lot more.....pleasant. If that's what you can call almost dying every night. I mean I know that the only reason I even survived back then was cause I had friends that could heal me and would come running at the smallest signs of danger. Back then I couldn't even heal a paper cut quickly. A lousy paper cut can you believe it? I mean look at me now. At least then I didn't have this dark half that I have to fight constantly. But this isn't telling you about Raziel. Raziel was the kind of guy who would give up a lot to help someone out. I was sent to kill him. I ended up falling for the guy instead. Shame on me. I'd still be with him if it wasn't for this group that decided they'd take him away from me. Tortured him and took pictures. The stupid fucks sent those pictures to me. Gave me a note saying it was my fault. They should have known better if they wanted to live. Goddess I miss him though. He helped let me like the illusion that life could be perfect no matter what happened. *clings to the necklaces they exchanged* I would lead hell's army if it meant I could see him and hold him again.....*sighs* If pentex stopped by my office and said they could bring him back if I joined them I just might do it. I'd probably regret it soon enough, but it wouldn't matter if I could have him back.

Then there was Eryk. Me and him were sorta an off and on thing. He watched out for me, made sure I didn't get into too much trouble, but he couldn't always be around. Always made him sad to think he couldn't be, but hey...I knew already that nobody could protect me all the time. I watched out for him a lot too. Made sure he didn't get mixed up with the wrong crowd. Made sure nobody went behind his back and tried anything. There was this one time A sabbat member got a hold of him. Her name was Camella. She learned the hard way that I don't give up on my friends. I had to be nice to the bitch. *growls* I hate being nice to people I want to kill. Why bother if you're just going to kill them? Anyways she found out that I would have opened the gates of hell to help Eryk. Eryk's free now and Camella? Well I lost track of her after I sent the 6th assassin after her. If I ever see her again I'll start sending stronger things after her. Nobody touches someone I love and gets away with it. Nobody. *eyes turn fully black*

Andrew SanMartan.....dear sweet pathetic Andrew. I don't know what I ever saw in him. I mean he wanted me to give up my entire life style and start the whole white picket fence thing with him. He was a vampire and he wanted to be a mortal father and raise a family. I mean me...an ex-assassin always nearly getting killed taking time out of my crazy life to raise a child. What did he think being pregnant would make my enemies stop coming after me? Told me to stop fighting. He even wanted me not to fight when people were trying to kill me. What the hell kind of shit is that? Ya tell your lover to go ahead and let someone kill you as long as you don't fight. Idiot.

Now Ryu is a face I'd defiantly like to see again. *purrs* I don't know what it was about him that was so intoxicatingly attractive, but he stole me away from Andrew with very little effort. I mean I knew it was wrong to cheat on Andrew, even with how Andrew was treating me, but I just couldn't seem to help it. I fell for Ryu the moment I met him and having a fiancee didn't stop that. He was like me in a way. Had the same kind of lifestyle and he embraced that lifestyle. Didn't even once try to say I should change. He had me acting like some shy school girl. Was kinda nice for a change, but then he disappeared and that was the end of that.

One thing Ryu left behind was his friend Greebo. They were both bastet. Funny thing about them. They took every chance they had to make any phrase or look an invitation to sex. At first it really annoyed me, but than I got used to Greebo's jokes. It became a part of who he was. I ended up marrying the guy. Funny thing was he had kids that were as old or older then me and one called me mom. I mean that's just strange to hear. I was with Greebo when Pentex first got their hands on me and Greebo got me out. They got me a few times after that, but Greebo kept helping me out, rescuing me and fixing my head and such. Then one time he didn't come. Nobody came. That's when things got really screwed up in my head. I got cold hearted.....real cold hearted. A real grade A bitch with a capital B.

A lot of time passed by before I could feel much other then hate. But I found out it was still possible when I met Colby. Such a pathetically sad sight. Don't know why the hell I bothered to help the guy. He found out that the world wasn't sugar coated and he picked my club to make a scene in. My Club! Fuckin coward. But something kinda told me to help the kid. Don't know what got into me. But I sorta started to fall for the kid. But then he had to go and get jealous about me being around eryk. Shit was happening and Eryk was helping me out. He had no reason to be jealous, but it pissed me off. Then he had to go and take my trying to kill him personally. It wasn't even me in control. I've grown to dislike him. He pisses me off pretty easily, but then who doesn't? One thing I gotta give him though. He did help kick me back into wanting to feel and make friends again. Guess I should thank him for that, but I'm afraid I might attack him if I see him again. Oh well, not like he needs to know anyways. I've moved on from my anger and I know that he's been through a lot. If I ever get to talk to him I'm going to have to thank him for a lot of things. But the biggest thing he's shown me is that I am still capable of love, that I haven't completely lost my ability to care and I'll be forever greatful for that.

Again it was a little while before I opened up again. Sorta took my stomach being sliced open before I was willing to show emotion toward people again though. Being bed ridden for about a week does sorta force one to talk to people. Deacon got to be one of them. Sorta made me have a few moments of love toward him, but things between me and him usually ended with one yelling at the other and one of us storming out of the room. He was such a kid, I seriously don't know what the hell got into me. Maybe it was the whole young and innocent vampire thing that got my attention. I wasn't used to vampires acting younger then me. It was...different. But different can be bad. I swear I wanted to fucking put a hole between his eyes sometimes. But nooooo he was a friend and killing a friend is against the rules. Stupid ass rules. I guess a small part of me would feel guilty if I kill him, but my head's too full of anger to give a shit about that side of me.

Christoph. Now there's someone a girl like me could love and really mean it. I mean come on, what girl would say no to a guy who doesn't get pissed about the abusive shit I say to people? And he's one tough vampire. Exactly what I like in my guys. The ability to survive my damn lifestyle. Change? Fuck change who needs to change when you've got someone like Chris? He gets me and even likes to join in on my attacks against pentex. We were on shaky grounds in the beginning. When I found out he was sabbat I didn't trust him. Hell the first night I met him I held a gun to his face and he didn't even flinch. See told you he puts up with my shit. But he's been a good person. I haven't really ever got pissed at him which is very rare for me these nights. But there was that one time I came home and he was drunk, but the reasons to why he got drunk were understandable. I think even death has a bit of a thing for him. The first night she came out around him she didn't try to kill him. Fuckin embarrassing how she reacted to him, but he didn't hound me about it. In fact he treated me just as he always did, like I was a tough ass that didn't loose control. I think that's what made me love him. He also treats me like I'm still a touch bitch even when I spent that time in a total break down and was going a bit crazy. I smile around him. People say I don't know how to have fun. They just haven't been around me at the right times. I think maybe I've even laughed once around him. I can't remember but if anyone was there when I showed so much emotion other then anger it would have been him. He's not always around all that much, but I don't really care, I never said he had to always be around, I mean it's me. I'm usually out tearing people who piss me off apart. I love him. Love how he lets me do what I want without complaining about the danger I could get into. Love how he knows the perfect gift to get me. Love the feel of his arms around me. I love that no matter how much I get beat up and nearly killed he doesn't look at me like I'm some weak little girl that needs protecting. I just plain love everything about him.

Speaking of little girls... Deitz is another one of those guys defiantly worth noting. No I'm not calling him a little girl. and you even try to say that I did and I'll shot you full of holes till you look like a bloody sponge. Shooting people. *grins* that's kinda how I got to know Deitz. He was in my club and he hit on me. What the fuck's with people hitting on me? They got a fuckin death wish. Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone...*looks down at clenched fist then shakes her head* Well anyways. Yeah Deitz hit on me. Royally pissed me off. I made sure he knew I didn't like him hitting on me, but did he get the hint? Fuck no. He kept showing up. I was in my office with him and Drew one night. Drew's a gangrel see and was a touch unhappy about how he looked, with his frenzies and all. And the idiot Deitz goes and calls him Cujo. So I shot the stupid shit's kneecap out. I had my dragon's breath rounds loaded at the time too. Funny thing is I think he liked that I did it. Men. *shakes head* The weirdest things attract them. Anyways after that I figure I couldn't trust the guy at my back, I mean I did shoot the guy. But one night I got nabbed by Pentex, and Deitz for some crazy reason went and helped me get out. I owe him big for that. I swear things are crazy with this brujah. I never know if I want to kill him or kiss him. But after a while I knew that no matter how much he pissed me off I could still count on his help. 'cept that time he abandoned me without a fucking word. Went to Vegas. Vegas! He was probably out having the time of his life, while mine was falling apart. The least he could have done was say he was leaving, I mean I actually got really worried about him for a couple of seconds. The night he showed up again I slugged him then kissed him. See what I mean about not being sure if I want to kill him or kiss him? Things tend to be like that a lot around him. It's the whole love him but hate him thing. I kinda want to just kill him for making me so damn confused, but I guess I love him since I can't bring myself to shoot him somewhere vital...*looks down to her arm rest and the cracked wood* damn.... I might have tried killing him several times by now.......... Piggy back ride *fights the urge to grab her gun*....The fuck does he think I am? A little girl? Yeah guess he does sometimes. Called me one, but in a way at the time he had been right, not about calling me a little girl *growls*, but about the other stuff he said. I was running from my emotions.Though I'll put a few more holes in him before I admit that to him. But he doesn't know what it's like to have the things I have in my head. The memories I got would make even a few vampires four times my age run screaming..... Nobody really understands me. I'm a fucked up psychopath that enjoys killing and hates it at the same time. Nice job pentex! I'll fucking destroy any of you I come across for doing this to me. They all seem to think I chose to act like this. Things would be easier if I did.